


Until Our hearts shatter from the silence

by orphan_account



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Broadway Cast, Hidden Relationship, Jeremy And Rich are traumatized, Late night talks, Libraries, M/M, Nightmares, PTSD, Squip aftermath, Trauma, literature references, tearful kisses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:36:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22911088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Rich Goranski knows what it's like to hide. When he was younger, he embraced it. Now? He can't stand it. Because he loves him so much, and he can't do anything about it. The world doesn't support this  type of love, and is a hypocrite of itself. Love is love. It's heartache and pain and tears, but it's love.Jeremy Heere knows what it's like to keep his feelings to himself. He's done it for years, why is it only starting to hurt now? It's Because he knows he can't say anything about it. Before he could, but with this? The world is already against them enough as it is.For now, they'll stay silent until it kills them. This love is one that will have to stay behind closed doors.They're meant for each other- Destiny was a bitch, but it gave them each other. That was enough.Right?
Relationships: Rich Goranski/Jeremy Heere
Comments: 4
Kudos: 53





	1. 1

It wasn't something either of them were expecting. It wasn't something anyone would expect, knowing their past history- but it happened anyway. Instead of a slow, sweet love story, supported by friends as they danced around each other's feelings, it was something else far, far different. A slow ascend to friendship, before dropping off into an abyss of feelings that both were unfamiliar with, as the abyss turned into a rushing whirlpool of secrets and lies that neither felt comfortable with but knew that by speaking a word of anything, that the world would turn its back on them even further.

Of course it would- destiny is a bitch, after all. Especially to Jeremy Heere and Rich Goranski.

* * *

_Part 1_

_Trigger warnings: suicide_

Jeremy's life should've been perfect after the squip. He knows that he's safe now because he's in Jake Dilinger's circle, because of the squip's effective behavior and the bonding. Every event, every movement, was made to calculate and end in the perfect endgame for him. It secured his spot in the school hierarchy, and he should've been happy with it. He had Christine, he had the friends he so desperately wanted, and he wasn't alone anymore. He should've been happy.

He wasn't. Because while he liked Christine, God, he liked her, he couldn't keep up with her. She would bounce from one subject to another, fast enough to make him wonder how she didn't get whiplash. It was something he loved about her, too, but the main thing is that she wasn't like other people. She didn't seem to care about what other people thought. And while he liked that about her? He couldn't relate, and as much as he tried, he knew it wouldn't work out between the two of them because he's the problem. He's different from her, and while some people can work through that and make themselves better with their other half, he couldn't do it. And so he didn't try, instead backing away and choosing to simply stay as friends. Friends... is everyone else really his friends? Or are they just people who went through the same thing he did for a few minutes?

Regardless of what the squip said- a bond doesn't mean you're friends with somebody. His bond with the others is one that the squip enforced before disappearing, and while Jeremy does enjoy their company from time to time, he knows that they don't like him for him. The only person who really would is Michael, and then again... things have been off with Michael.

It's just so much to deal with now- he would've been okay with just Christine and Michael. He didn't need Jake, or Chloe, or Jenna and Brooke. It's his fault they're his friends, and he has to make sure that the dangerously thin ice that the entire "friend group" walks on doesn't shatter. The tension is continuously thick enough to cut with a knife, and it's similar to smoke as it clouds his vision and settles in his chest, rising until he starts to panic and just needs to get OUT. One day it's going to all come crashing down, and he'll be left holding the broken pieces of a mirror that finally reflect everyone's true feelings that he knows they've been hiding away. It's going to hurt, and it's going to leave him with even more scars than the ones he has now, mental and physical. And it's going to be what he deserves, for starting this mess in the first place.

There's only one person that he understands and trusts. Michael is still his friend, of course, but there are some things he can't tell him. Rich Goranski, however, is an entirely different scenario. It's quite funny, honestly, how he went from his tormentor to the only person he feels like he can trust in the world. Rich is entirely different than the person he used to be, and Jeremy can only wonder if he went through the very same transformation that he sees before his very eyes as Rich treks down the hallway each day. He could ramble, write an entire essay about how Rich has changed, but he doesn't have the time or the energy to do it.

The best way he can describe his friend is that he's changed for the better. The intimidation that Rich was able to give off, even with as short as he was, has vanished and Jeremy can't say for sure if it's for better or worse. Better because Rich is his friend now, and he doesn't have to cower because Rich does it himself. Worse, because of the cowering, and that people are ruthless and merciless. A lot of people could've died in the fire, and they have no one to pin the blame to besides the person who started it in the first place. Rich knows he deserves it, but it still hurts Jeremy whenever he mentions it with a half smile and shrug.

Speaking of even interacting with Rich; It's hard. It shouldn't be something he should ever do, according to his friends. Richard Goranski is a freak, a physco, a maniac. He's an arsonist and should either be in a mental institute or juvenile detention, or something, according to Jenna. He is a terrible person, with the intent of murdering people and Jake that fateful night because of the bitter brambles of jealousy, wrapping around his mind as the thorns poked and prodded until he gave in.

That, of course, is all bullshit, but people believe it. They believe whatever sounds the most logical, and at Middleborough, anything that is uttered in the hallways is spread around like wildfire. There are so many different tales about what happened that night, but no one knows the true story but Jeremy and Rich himself. And even then, Jeremy doesn't know what Rich was going through. He doesn't know the last words running through Rich's mind before he lit the match. He doesn't know and most likely, never will. And he's okay with that.

All he knows is that Rich never meant to hurt anyone. That was his last desperate attempt at a way out, and the only way that he knew how. Was it a smart decision? Was it the right decision? No. But it was the only way he knew how at that moment. Jeremy might not know what words were running through his head, but he knows what it's like to have the overwhelming and crushing force of the squip overseeing everything you do. It was an abuser, a manipulator, and Rich needed out.

Jeremy still shivers when he thinks about it. If the play hadn't happened, would he have been driven to Rich's point? Would he have been a school bully turned sudden recluse? Would he have tried to kill himself in previous ways, like he did before the entire mess started? He doesn't know and never will. It's better that way, right?

Rich is a recluse now. It's hard enough to spot him when he's not in the hallways- the teachers have a certain fear of him, but the most tired ones don't care if he slips in late during class. He's been doing that more often, to avoid getting assaulted in the hallways. It won't work for long. People are catching on, and soon enough, the small haven he has for himself is going to come crashing down and Jeremy can't do anything but sorrowfully watch. Rich ordered him not to interfere; he deserves this, apparently, and the rest of the popular kids refuse to let Jeremy watch, ushering him away as the shoot withering glances towards their previous friend. Coos of "Don't even look at him, Jeremy, he's an asshole and you shouldn't look at him. Not after he treated you terribly."

So did they. He doesn't forget what happened before, and he won't. Just because they want to play the perfect little group that has no association with the person they ENCOURAGED and laughed and socialized with mere months earlier doesn't mean Jeremy's forgotten. It's another reason he is happy to get away from the crushing pressure of the popular kids every day.

He's started doing what Rich has. Run to the library, with its many nooks and corners that only the librarian and few students know about. Middleborough might not be the best of schools, but for an older one, the library is in pristine condition.

Rich runs there to hide. Away from the judging eyes, where he can immerse himself in a book. A make believe world where the characters are okay, and have perfect lives occasionally plagued by trauma. Rich doesn't really like those books; they're not realistic, as he told Jeremy, but the other boy will find him reading them more often than not. Jeremy understands.

Sometimes it's easier to place yourself in a book, where you have an entirely different life compared to the one you really live. Reading is the one chance to escape to another world, and Rich takes it. It's where Jeremy usually finds him, curled in a beanbag chair and his knees pulled to his chest. Jeremy joins him, as they talk about their day and whatever nightmares the other had. The squip isn't entirely gone. The phantom whispers will always be there, as will the nerve wracking, paranoid feeling of being watched. That won't go away, but it does fade while they talk. The rushing and roaring in Jeremy's head quiets when he's with Rich.

He understands his friend. And it sucks that no one else does.

But, no one tries, and Rich isn't willing to let anyone in. It was hard enough even after the hospital- Rich had apologized again, on his first day back, and then tried to disappear.

Unfortunately for him, all his hiding spots were also known to Jeremy. Were they because he had to hide from Rich when he was squipped? He wouldn't tell. Rich felt bad enough about it as it is.

But Jeremy knew. He knew and he understood and he told Rich that. He forgives him. Whether or not he went with the bullying willingly or had just submitted himself to be a puppet that the squip toyed with before eventually cutting his strings, Jeremy understood. He wasn't the only one abused. Rich was too- his was even worse than Jeremy's. While it isn't an excuse for his actions- in no way does being abused give you the right to abuse anyone in return- it does give a reason for why Rich did what he did. And Jeremy knows. He KNOWS what it's like to have your mind so clouded, and hurt, and scared that you blindly choose whatever decision seems like it's going to be the best. He knows what it's like.

Rich is his friend, and as of now, maybe something a little more. And sure, they can't be seen together at school, but it's enough to see each other when Rich comes over, or the many, many messages over text late into the night.

Nightmares and all make it a lot harder to sleep than before. Questions of what if, and the dark, glitching voice of the squip as it whispers threats make it difficult to close your eyes. And when you do? You don't want to open them. Fear of a blue figure, glitching out as the red sparks burst from within, hands gripping shoulders as electrical currents flow faster and faster, standing above them.

Nightmares aren't fun- and they happen a lot more than either boy wishes they would. The fear of the dark, as childish as it may be, returned as well. When the squip came from darkness, it's only logical to think it would reside in the very place from which it came.

That's why Jeremy's data usage has gone up. Late night texts and calls, leaning out the windowsill and looking down into the street at the lights, as the whispers and the hushed sobs of two teenage boys that life did wrong spill out into the night.

Life really isn't fair. But at least Jeremy has someone who understands him, and doesn't ask for him to hide away his trauma. All Rich wants is to know that he is understood as well.


	2. Chapter 2

_"I believe we secretly love each other."_

_Part 2_

_Trigger warnings: suicide mentions_

_Believing abuse is what they deserve and that a parental figure is not a bad person_

* * *

Rich Goranski didn't understand what life was after he nearly ended his.

God, he had plenty of time to think about it in the aftermath of it all. His medicine-induced brain would inflict hallucinations with slurred ramblings of the squip, and while he couldn't form a logical thought even if his life depended on it, he could still feel the confusion and the confliction of "What comes next?"

And after his squip was forcefully removed, it only grew worse because instead of leaving behind a person who at least knew what they wanted to do in life, it left a shell of a boy who doesn't even remember what his old self was even like. It was all muted memories, aching to get out but all he could feel was the dull ache in his head and the searing pain on his arm and legs.

He doesn't know how he made it out of the fire. And when he was in the hospital, he didn't know if he even wanted to be grateful. Sure, the squip was gone, but she took the old Rich Goranski with her, and before he knew it, he was alone with his thoughts and the constant beeping of the hospital machinery.

It was that night that the stupid idiot, Jeremy Heere, was wheeled into his room after apparently dropping into a seizured fit at the school play.He can't remember barely anything from that night, because he'd had a seizure after she was deleted from his mind. Words mumbled from the doctors and groans from Jeremy was all he could hear, before everything went silent and the ache in his body finally faded away.

You know what happened next. He made a fool of himself, as usual. Blurting out his sexuality while drugged up on all the pain medicine he could handle was a GREAT idea. He doesn't know why Jeremy and Headphones kid... Michael, didn't shout it out at school when they got back. It's what he deserved.

Enough moping about the hospital. It isn't even the worst part of his story, so why dwell on it?

Coming back home wasn't anything compared to school. On the way back home, his dad was indifferent to it all. Mr. Goranski never was a social person, and god, he might turn into a monster when he drinks, but his dad isn't a bad person. He gives Rich somewhere to stay, and still works to put food on the table. He could have worse. He should be thankful with what he has.

Sure, he doesn't have his mom or his brother, but it's not a big deal. The ride back home was filled with Rich spacing out, mind jumping from one subject to the next as he realized he could think whatever he wanted. There was nothing telling him no, no shocks, no reprimands. He had freedom and that's all that mattered for now.

The first thing he did when he got home was to stumble up the stairs to his room, and stare silently. This was the old Rich's room. That was Rich Goranski's room.

He's Richard Goranski, the nerd-turned bully-turned something. He doesn't have a name for himself, but he does know that he finally killed the old Rich in that bedroom that day. Tears of ambivalence fell as he went from poster to poster, tearing down whatever garbage the squip made him hang on his walls. The stupid figurines the squip made him get were sent spiraling to the floor, as the stupid football on his bookshelf joined it. He made god knows how much noise, but he knew his dad wasn't at home, so there really wasn't any bother.

The closet was next. He will NEVER wear tank tops again, no matter how hot summers may be. He's not some person who's just...okay, after everything. Tank Tops mean revealing his scars, and what is he to say when people stare and ask? "Oh, I got these from a house fire! One that I started! I took away the only thing my best friend had left from his parents and I completely ruined my life and his, and he has every right to hate me, haha! No big deal!" The person who asked would slowly back away with an awkward smile, or full on book it. There's no other alternative. Yes, he's a bad person. He gets it.

The tanktops and the disgusting camo pants were thrown to the floor, as he yanked whatever he could see through the haze of his tears and threw it to the ground. The glasses he hadn't worn for years slid down his nose every few minutes, and looking back at it, he doesn't know how he didn't break them in his fit of rage and despair.

He shouldn't have thrown out the clothes he needed, but at that moment, his head was just silent and he had to make some noise, some reaction, to stop him from freezing as everything came to a screeching halt. 

His wardrobe now is completely different. Oversized shirts, hoodies and dark jeans. Nothing bright, nothing showing anything. There's nothing to show off, anyway. He stopped the cruel workout regime the squip gave him, and watched in disinterest as the figure it so desperately wanted for him faded away. It took about 2 weeks- and honestly it was a little jarring. It happened so fast, but he didn't really notice until he looked into one of the mirrors placed on the pillars in the shoe area of the mall. It startled him more than anything- why wouldn't it? He didn't recognize the person in the mirror. This wasn't what he looked like before everything that happened. He still doesn't know if he would've wanted that anyway.

The point of the matter is that he doesn't look like he did anymore, not in the slightest. That was good, right? His appearance is completely changed, and maybe he could've gotten away with it if the burn on his cheek didn't give him away. But unfortunately, that's there and it's never going to leave. He isn't thrilled with the rest of himself- obviously.

But Jeremy says he likes him better this way, because this is the real Rich. The one people didn't bother with. The one that only Jeremy gets to know, because Jeremy is the only living person on this earth that he trusts. His mom is dead, his brother is gone, and god knows he's not going to march up to his dad and have a deep, meaningful talk about PTSD and the traumas of today's youth. Because not only would his dad call him a fucking dumbass and whack him upside the head if he was feeling particularly moody, but because his dad wouldn't even listen. Rich can't trust people at school, and even if he could afford a therapist, what would he say? He'd be led away from the building in a straitjacket and headed straight for the psych ward if he brought it up.

That's why he can trust Jeremy. It's hard enough because he feels like he's burdening him- he did ruin his life by telling him about the squip, anyway- But Jeremy refuses to let Rich push him away. In the beginning, it was very annoying and bothersome, but Rich knows that he means well now. He always did, and unlike the rest of the oh so mighty hierarchy of the school, Jeremy cares. He cares because he didn't have to turn his soul to stone to climb the rock wall of rumors and lies to establish himself as a role model and the face of Middleborough events- the squip did that for him.

But he knows that Jeremy trusts him. And it's something he doesn't really know how to explain; but the feeling that someone feels like they trust him and knows him enough to share pieces of themselves that they won't and CAN'T share with others makes him feel weird inside. He can't say happy- because he hasn't experienced sheer happiness for a while- but he's going to get there eventually.

For now, he'll take the little sparks he feels when he's around Jeremy. The little whisps of happiness that make him smile slightly, whenever Jeremy does something stupid in the library or tells him a corny joke over the phone at 2 am when they both can't sleep. Or even when they're in Jeremy's room, door shut as they giggle over something so incredibly stupid that he found on the internet. Spending time with Jeremy is the only thing really keeping him grounded; and while that's quite scary to think about, when he really sits down to do it, he pushes it aside anyway. It's best not to think of when Jeremy leaves him, and he absolutely falls to pieces. He can tell himself as many times as he wants that it's not going to happen, but he doesn't know that. He doesn't know if the creepy and unsettling whispers of the squip are the truth, or if she's trying to torment him from her digital grave of darkness and circuits.

The Nightmares have been getting worse.

His dad won't purposefully come after him- Rich still thinks he cares, deep down somewhere, but if he does just one little thing to set him off? It's best to get out of the house as fast as he can, because unfortunately, when the squip poofed like the gems from Steven Universe, (one of the shows Jeremy forced him to watch), she took his emotional control with her. He can't even handle having someone raise their voice at him. It's sad, really, that he starts to cry at the slightest inconvenience, but it's not like he can just stop crying. God forbid he tries to hold his emotions in. Look how that ended for him in freshman year, for example.

So, more or less, he stays with the Heeres. Michael doesn't come over quite nearly as often- and Rich can tell that Jeremy is still upset by that. It's a talk they need to have sooner or later, because while his squip took away his emotional control, Jeremy's seems to have enforced it to where the other boy hides away all his feelings behind a surprisingly good smile.

Rich can tell it's fake, though. Because Jeremy's eyes, as cliche as this sounds, sparkle with his mood. And when it's fake? There's no spark there.

Back on the topic on why he stays with the Heeres: Nightmares.

He's cried into Jeremy's shoulder more times than he ever wants to admit. He's a crybaby and he knows that Jeremy is probably tired of having to hold him at 2 am when there's tears streaking down his face and Jeremy's fingers are in his hair. He'd get tired of it too.

Whenever Rich cries, Jeremy's there as a figure to calm him down. Jeremy doesn't cry when he does, he offers comfort and keeps his own emotions in check.Rich, though? Well. When Jeremy cries, he cries. It's as simple as that. There's no way around it, and while he wishes he had the ability to be as comforting to Jeremy as he is to him, he can't.

Rich usually falls back to sleep first, laying on Jeremy's chest as the other boy continues to stroke his fingers through his hair. One time, though, when he was curious as to what really happened, he faked it because he was wide awake anyway. Jeremy had started to hum softly, before brushing the curls that delicately framed Rich's forehead away ever so carefully and pressing the lightest of kisses there. Rich thought that for sure Jeremy would notice that his heart was racing- but he simply turned the lamp off and went to sleep.

Rich wasn't able to drift off into any dreams that night.

His school experience isn't one that he's going to go into detail about. You know what happens- as every bullied kid does. He gets beat up, he has people mad at him, and his former best friends won't bat an eye unless it's to fix him with a glare of disgust.

It's funny how they try and keep Jeremy away from him, parading him around like "You can't hurt him further, asshole." It's funny how they think they own him. Jeremy is no one's but his own self, and he can spend time with anyone he wants- and he chooses to spend it with Rich. Rich, who is the package deal of teenage trauma and abuse victim rolled into one. And no one can take that away from the two of them, no matter how hard they try.

It does put an icky, dull ache in his chest when he sees Jeremy with Jake, though. He's not jealous, because there's nothing to be jealous of. It's mostly the feeling of knowing he's never going to be able to fix things with his former friend.

He regrets doing what he did every time he sees the scars on his body, or hears when Madeline cried in the lab because she saw a flame and was reminded of the party. Especially when He sees Jake cruising down the hallways, the slightest of limps noticeable in his stride. He's wanted to apologize from even before he lit the match, but he knows it's impossible.

Jake shouldn't even hear him out. There's no way he'd be able to tell him about the squip without turning the entire story in on himself, and he'd rather not. Jake can be absolutely ruthless when necessary, and Rich would rather not have his lonely childhood whispered in the hallways between class periods thanks to Jenna Rolan.

Besides, what would he even say? There's too many things he's messed up. Too many bridges he's... burned. Too many mistakes were made for him to be able to go back and say he's sorry. Jake deserves an apology, but Rich can't make himself say one. Another one of his ultimate failures.

Another person to talk about now that he's on the topic of the popular kids parading their best bud Jeremy around like a prize, holding their heads high as to make it clear that Rich has been replaced:Michael thinks he owns Jeremy's loyalty and friendship. God, Rich needs to talk to Jeremy about this soon. He'll mark it on his to-do list later. Yes, he has to have one- his memory right now is shit because of the gaps and inconsistencies of the squip.

Where was he?

Oh. Michael. Anti-social headphones kid.

Rich knows what a toxic friendship looks like. Hell, he was the main instigator of it in his and Jake's friendship- and he can see when one is in the works.

Jeremy's told him in his rare moments of vulnerability about Michael. Michael, who doesn't really take the time to listen to Jeremy's problems, repeating the same mantra of "everything will be good later, just chill out." Michael who likes to be in control of a situation, dangerous or not. Michael, who likes to hold grudges, and who put Jeremy and the rest of the world at risk because an apology was more valued over the life and the freedom from the torment that Jeremy was going through. That Michael.

And it's laughable how he thinks that the glares he gives Rich in the hallways mean anything. If Rich had the guts, and if he knew that Jeremy wouldn't get severely hurt from this, he'd walk straight up to him and tell him what's what.

The look on Michael's face would be stunned silence as Rich would whisper "Jeremy isn't just reliable on you anymore. He has other friends, and he has me. He tolerates me. He likes me. Sure, I might have ruined his fucking life while being forecfully controlled by a computer, but I didn't almost conciously end his just because of a forced apology you KNEW he was going to give later. Learn to treat your friends better and they might stick around."

He could never say that. Maybe his squipped self could've, but the person he is now could never.

Doesn't stop him from thinking it though, every time Michael swings his arm around Jeremy's shoulder only to be met with Jeremy stiffly removing it and giving an awkward smile in return.

It doesn't matter. Nothing that happens in school matters, because they have their moments in the library and the meetups at the Heere household. The late night ice cream runs at coldstone, with the two of them listening to music that 30 year old white men claim is only something teen girls listen to. The new Jeremy and the new Rich that get to know each other, as nothing else in the world matters.

And sure, Rich might have some feelings for Jeremy that aren't entirely platonic- but he could be wrong. He doesn't know what love is, after all. This might just be him realizing that he actually knows someone with the same interests, reactions, and trauma as him.

It could be absolutely nothing at all.

But when he's in Jeremy's room, watching as he plays tennis on wii sports against the opposite team, he can't help the fond smile on his face.

It could be absolutely nothing; but what scares him is the fact that he doesn't think it's nothing. There's a feeling in his gut that isn't simply the butterflies that happen when he's around him. It's the feeling that this could be absolutely everything, and be his ultimate undoing. He doesn't know how Jeremy feels and there's no way he could ask.

But maybe he can just watch. If anything, he gets to spend time with Jeremy, his only and closest friend. That's not a bad thing.

And if it turns out to be everything he's thought and dreamt of?

Well. He'll answer that if it comes to it.

For now, he'll just stay content to hang with Jeremy, as the two of them try and navigate this mess of highschool and mental illnesses that teens shouldn't have.

It's a mess, of course, but he doesn't really think he'd want it with anyone else, in any other way. Here's to hiding their friendship so that the world doesn't turn on them further.


	3. Chapter 3

Well,

There's only one way to explain what happened in the months that followed.

From November to late April, the friendship grew until it wasn't that anymore. It struggled to balance, to keep the fine line separating friendship and romance there, before it failed. There was no way around it- in any other circumstances, from a shared bond of something like this that only they have, it would have happened. And honestly? It wasn't like either of them were expecting. It wasn't some accidental gesture that had the two of them tiptoeing around each other for a week and being sad and mopey while friends encouraged them to suck it up and confess- because no one knew. No one knew but the two of them, and for the first few months, they were okay with that.

It was fun to sneak around, playing out their relationship right under the noses of everyone. It was risky, sure, but neither dwelled on what the consequences would be if they were found out. "It won't happen. We won't let it. We'll be careful."

They were. Late night dates, sneaking out of the house and running towards the bus stop, clambering on while giving the bus driver nothing but smiles as he rolls his eyes at the two boys and thinks back on his own youth. 

They'd run to the back of the bus- not that anyone was on it, at 2 in the morning, but regardless, the back is where they sat, hands entwined as they softly whispered about things. Even with Rich practically living with the Heeres, he couldn't get enough of spending time with Jeremy. He was drowning in the presence of simply being with him, whether they were at home or not.

The bus would take them downtown, and instead of getting off, they'd stare out the windows at the lights and at the other people living entirely different lives from their own. Jeremy would wrap his arm around Rich's waist, as they'd whisper of places they wanted to go once they graduated and moved far away from here. Places they'd go, people they'd meet, where they didn't really need to stay quiet about their relationship. It wasn't a big deal then, because they were still in the puppy love phase of the relationship. They had each other and that was enough; they didn't need to go around telling people and they wouldn't ever have.

They'd get back home to the Heere residence at 5, and both crash in his room for 2 hours before getting up and going to school. That was the least favorite part of their day; because they would have to leave at different times, knowing that they couldn't even spare a glance to each other until after the final bell. Occasionally Michael would show up to walk to school with Jeremy, and as the weather got warmer, those times increased.

But while they were still in their puppy love phase? They made the absolute best of it. Going out late at nights, and when they weren't doing that, getting up at 5 and going to a small cafe that opened at sunrise. It was the little things that counted, and while they couldn't do these things at school, like share lunch, it was okay. It wasn't the end of the world. They'd be free as soon as they graduated, the time would fly by fast, right?

Things slowly started to turn once the puppy love phase ended. They were in the honeymoon phase now, the phase where you just want to be with your lover. You just want to be touching them somehow, because if you have to take your eyes off of them, you can at least still communicate with your hands. And god, Jeremy just wanted to be there for Rich. He wanted to hold his hand in the hallways of the school. He wanted to show people that Rich wasn't a bad person, and that he made mistakes and learned from them. There's no way he could, though.

He doesn't care about the popularity. He'd give it up in a heartbeat if it meant that he could walk with Rich in public- and if people didn't like it? They could shove it up their ass. He wants that and he knows that Rich does too, but...

Rich is scared. And god knows he's allowed to be. The kids at Middleborough are ruthless enough and in no way does he want to be hurt further. But... He loves Jeremy. At least, he thinks he does, Love is still such a foreign concept to him and he wants to be able to explore it open and freely, immune to the judging and the insults and the stares. He wants to experience what other people get to do with Jeremy.

But, the one thing that they both know that only hurts them is that they WON'T be accepted. Not here, not now. Not ever. Not in this Highschool. And unless they want to be assaulted or worse? They won't say a peep. Homophobia exists and despite the two of them being bisexual, with the interest for girls STILL THERE, society doesn't care. It never has. The only people who make it in the world are the people who adhere to the picture perfect life of the heteronormative society. As a man, you're expected to be with a woman. Treat her however you want. Have kids. That's how the world wants men to function.

That's not how the two of them live and that's not how they're going to. Jeremy treasures this relationship with all his heart and one day he'll be out and proud about it. For now, he'll hide behind his fake smiles and try to ignore the nauseous feeling he gets whenever Chloe flirts with him absentmindedly or points him to whatever girl has her gaze set up on him. He'll hold back the screams that are burning to be let out, clawing at the back of his throat every time his gaze strays to the patch located on the red hoodie Michael wears. He'll hold back his emotions, burying them beneath a layer of numbness until he's with Rich in the shadows, as the walls come tumbling down and he pours out his frustrations and sorrows in the forms of breathless kisses.

As for Rich?

He's just scared of losing him. Before, he refused to worry or dwell on the fact that all his happiness was staked on Jeremy and Jeremy alone. But now?

Now he watches more. He trusts Jeremy, there wouldn't be a reason not to. He knows that He cares about him immensely, and that he wouldn't purposefully hurt him. At least, he doesn't think so.

But every day he watches as girls fling themselves at him in an attempt to climb the social ladder. They tap his shoulders, boop his nose, and touch him when he's clearly uncomfortable. It makes Rich's blood boil but instead of doing anything about it, his feet freeze to the ground and he can only watch as Jeremy steps away, stiffening before shuddering once they're out of view.

Rich is the only one who gets to do that. He's the only person that Jeremy lets touch him- that's his right. Jeremy knows that he gets upset and needs to grab something to anchor himself on, and the fact that some people just cruise up with no regard for his personal space makes Rich want to cry and shout and scream all at once... and usually, he can only cry. Shouting and screaming would only garner unwanted attention and right now, that's the very last thing he needs on top of everything else.

It's okay, They're still okay. They still hide out in the library, and the bus dates still happen, if not as often due to Jeremy being forced into hangouts and meetings that he can't say no to because of "What if they don't like me anymore? I know they're not my friends, really, but I still... I still have to know what they think. And I don't think I can handle people bad talking me right now."

It doesn't matter. They still kiss, they still cuddle in Jeremy's room on Wednesday nights, watching whatever show Jeremy could find to bring them back down from the dangerously high emotional levels that are are going to blow at any new inconvenience.

Sure, it's getting harder to hide their relationship because Rich wants to be the one at Jeremy's side, and Jeremy wants to shout out the new part of himself into the world for everyone to see. It's getting more difficult, but that's life and it's a part of growing. They're changing, and learning each other in a new way as the rest of the world is unaware, living in slow motion as the two of them dance and play a dangerous part in the shadows.

* * *

  
"I can't do this. I can't do it anymore, Jeremy."

The two of them are sitting in Mr. Heere's car, parked at the far end of the cul de sac. Rich's house is a few good yards away, but the smaller boy isn't making any moves to get out of the car.

Jeremy knows that Rich can't control his emotions. He can't be sure if Rich is very, very upset, or if this is just his boyfriend being slightly bothered.

He has a feeling it's the former.

"Hey, take a deep breath for me and try to tell me what's up." He rests his hand on Rich's shoulder, only for him to start to tremble.

"I can't handle this. I saw Michael acting all lovey dovey with Brooke today and it was the last straw." Rich wipes his eyes furiously, before glaring up at Jeremy again. "I want that. I want that to be us and I know it can't be."

Oh. So that's what this is about. He couldn't know for sure, Rich had texted him saying he needed to drive him home because he couldn't walk the way back. He'd been crying when he got in the car- that's what this is about.

God, he doesn't even know where to start.

"Hey. I know, okay? I want to be with you, out and loud and victorious. Because I care about you so much and seeing you hurting only hurts me too. We don't have much longer, and we still have our secret meetings-"

"IT'S NOT ENOUGH!"

The car goes dead silent.

Jeremy stares in shock at Rich, who quickly realizes what he did and PANICS.

"Oh my god. Oh my god, I yelled at you. Oh my god." One hand grips his hair, as the other drums against the armrest.

"No, no- if yelling helps you feel better, go ahead. I know you need to say it or you'll die from trying to hold it in. It'll kill you, and I can't let that happen." Jeremy quickly soothes, as Rich takes a shuddering breath.

"Fine. Fine, I'll say whatever I can get out, since you want me to guilt trip you or whatever shit you want to hear." Rich slams his hand against the car window, as the silent tears continue to drop, sliding down his cheeks and hitting his jeans.

"I hate this. I hate it so much and there's nothing I can do. I just want to be with you. I want to hold hands, I want to have our own lunch table. I want to sit next to each other in class and pass notes. I want to give you a cheesy valentine. I want to be able to spend time with you in school and not have to worry about people coming for you in retaliation. I don't want you to be hurt by the people who hurt me. I want so much and I can't have ANY OF IT." he slams his hand against the window again, inhaling sharply, "Because I can't hurt you. I'm not worth you ruining your life over- hell, I already fucked it up enough to begin with. I can't put my selfish desires ahead of your future because I refuse to mess anything up with you further because you're just so perfect to me, and you deserve only the best things that I can't give you." His voice fades off, heartbreak raw in his voice along with the heavy emotion. It sets the mood for what Jeremy has to struggle to come up with in return, because Rich shouldn't think this way.

"And it hurts. It hurts so much and I can't do anything about it. I feel so helpless and it's not like where there's just a simple way out of this. The world hates what we have, my dad will fucking hate what we have, and everything is against us. And you're just so good, and you deserve so much better than someone broken like me." Rich is still droning on, as Jeremy bites his lip.

"That's enough. My turn."

Rich gets ready to protest, before Jeremy solemnly holds his finger to Rich's lips. The smaller boy goes quiet, as Jeremy fiddles with the windshield wipers for a few seconds.

"I'm not going to tell you that things are going to be okay. They're not. Not right now, and not ever. Nothing is ever going to be 100% okay. That's not how life works." He starts, turning to look at Rich. "The world is a messed up place, and we're messed up people. I know you want to be seen. I do too. There's nothing I want more than to show up at school, holding your hand as we walk down the hallways and flipping off everyone who even starts to stare. But I can't do that for you. We can't do that. And it's not because I don't like you, because if I could, I'd hang the stars for you. You've turned my world upside down. And.... it's the greatest thing that's ever happened to me." He reaches out, gently cupping Rich's cheek and softly thumbing away the tears.

"I don't believe in soulmates, but i definitely think that something had to be going on above our heads for this to happen. Because I don't care what people think, it should be obvious that you're meant for me as I am for you. Sure, no one would notice because we aren't near each other and you refuse to let anyone in to see the real you, but... God, Rich. I'm not the perfect one here." He stops, pulling his hand away, "That's you. Perfect doesn't mean that you can't be flawed. You're perfect in every way to me and I care about you."

"I know you do! But caring doesn't make this situation any better." Rich retorts, tears stinging his eyes as he looks up at him. "I want you to kiss me in public. I want to shout that you're my boyfriend off the roof of your home out in your neighborhood so everyone can hear me. I just want YOU, and you only. And I know that you're hurting just as bad as I am and you're just hiding it. I won't allow that. I know you want to be out with me. I know you want Chloe to finally stop bothering you. I know that the nightmares are getting worse because I'm having them. Just cry, scream, yell at me. I don't care, just do SOMETHING and stop acting like you can handle every situation thrown at you!" Rich's voice is getting hoarse, as he yells it loud enough for it to echo in both of their ears. "You have your poker face mastered and unless it's me and you, you never show anyone any real smiles. You never show it on your face and it makes me sad because I love your smile." His rant started off angry and filled with doubt, but now, it's subdued and sad. The energy is gone.

"FINE! You want me to stop being emotionless? You want me to just fucking lose my mind and yell about how I KNOW it's unfair but I can't do anything? Because I'm scared. I'm scared of it all and I know you are too. I don't even know how my dad would react either, for all we know he could be mad about it too. I don't know and I don't know about the future. All I know is that I want you in mine, and if you can't stick through me with this part of our lives, I don't even want to know what it's going to be like when we reach more hardships in life. Because that's what life IS, RICHARD, and it's all about the type of person who can endure it. I know life isn't easy and you definitely know that it isn't. Own the fact that you made it through one of the hardest parts in your life and that if you're willing, you'll make it through this part with me. I know you want to be happy and I know you aren't now."

Rich has stopped sniffling, choosing to wipe at his eyes every 7 seconds instead.

"But we're going to get there. And I wish you wouldn't take all the pain on yourself because you don't deserve it. But I can't even be mad at you for it, because you're doing this for me and all I can do is distract anyone who comes up and tries to turn you into a pulp. I'm sorry I can't do better than this for you. I'm sorry you can't proclaim what we are to the world because GOD, I'd absolutely let you if the circumstances were any different. But I know I can't deal with Chloe calling me her "gay best friend," and I don't want you getting hurt. I promise, I PROMISE, that the day will come where we kiss and flip everyone off that doubted us. And that day is going to come sooner than you think."

It's started to rain, droplets hitting the windshield as Rich runs over Jeremy's words in his head. He's tired from the emotional strain and exhausted from the trauma. His brain isn't really working right now.

"I just... I love you, Jeremy." He finally settles with, avoiding the now probably shocked boy. "And I want to love you with the world and all of myself. I don't want to force what we have into the shadows because that's not where we belong. And I just want you to know that. I don't want to live love shoved into the shadows, peeping out from the closet as we watch the heteronomative society carry on like nothing is wrong. I don't want to hide. I want to be out there with YOU and I know we'll get there eventually. I just want to be with you, no matter the circumstances and the cost. I'm yours, and I love you. I just... is it going to change? Do we know that things will be different after highschool? Are we going to get to do what we want? Why can't things be accepted? I don't want to hide, I want the world to be better and I don't even know if it's gonna change. And I can't bear the thought of leaving you, but I just want to know why we can't be like every other couple in the world. I wish it could be like that, why CAN'T it be like that?"

Rich is crying again, hands rubbing his eyes as he lets out a ragged, choked cough. The rain outside is getting heavier.

Jeremy's heart only cracks further as he pulls Rich into a hug, ignoring the thunder that booms around them at that moment.

"Because people are assholes and think they can police love when they have no right to do that, and they never have. I promise with every breath in my body, that we'll make it out of here together. Unscathed? Probably not. But we're going to win against the world. I just wish we could do it now." He whispers, gently running his hand up and down his boyfriend's shaking back.

They sit like that for a few minutes, just watching the rain, until Rich's sobs quiet down and come to a stop. It's only when Rich finally pulls back, that Jeremy cracks the tiniest of smiles.

"You know, we're kinda like Romeo and Juliet."

"What? No! Romeo and Juliet sucked!" Rich frowns up at him, resting his elbows on the arm rest. "They both died because they were stupid! You don't just kill yourself after your dead lover sneaks into your tomb and drinks poison and dies on your lap!"

Jeremy frowns, trying to clear the situation, before Rich cuts him off yet again. "I care about you so much, but there is no way I would die after you killed yourself. I could live without you."

"Okay, okay, Romeo and Juliet sucked and you wouldn't kill yourself if i was stupid enough to. I get it. What I was TRYING to say is that we're like them because the world doesn't want us together and we won't give up. Not that we're going to kill ourselves." Jeremy sighs, exasperated. The rain is coming down harder, as Rich turns and looks.

"I know. I was just teasing you." he pauses for a moment, "Do I really have to go out?"

"No, but I thought you wanted to go home, not be stuck with me for a while." Jeremy watches the windshield wipers, as Rich sighs quietly.

"Well. I changed my mind. I'm tired and I think the only way I'll be able to sleep is if I'm with you."


	4. Chapter 4

_And despite it all, you were still there._

* * *

Rich could tell you straight off the bat that things didn't get better immediately. It wasn't some sunshiney, picture perfect life because when word got out about them, about their relationship, everything came hurtling towards the ground.

They should've been more careful. They got careless, they made a slip up, and before they could even begin to comprehend it, the private most secluded pieces of their souls were all that people were talking about. The way they talked to each other, the way that they acted together. Apparently, they gave each other small glances when the other isn't looking, little smiles dancing across their faces when they get caught by the other. They also never looked at peace unless one was in the room with other. How many people had been watching them?

Some people said they knew the entire time. Impossible, because they weren't even seen next to each other in the beginning weeks. None of this would've gotten out, if it wasn't for Jenna Rolan. 

Jenna Rolan, gossip queen of Middleborough. Of course she would post a blurry picture on her Instagram story, announcing a new couple at Middleborough. And unfortunately, it was them thrust into the spotlight this time.

She always did this- by posting a relationship, people would argue if they were really a good couple and send their direct thoughts of jealousy or congratulations to the couple. The gossip would swell, as fake things were said or ex partners got upset. The relationship was thrown to the wolves, and once they were, they rarely escaped still as a pair.

So, when theirs was tossed into the flames to see how long it would withstand? Everyone kept throwing kindling into the fire, asking questions that they had no right to ask. Jeremy only faced the words with a stone-cold face- a face that he'd never used before and one that silenced the rudest of questions. Yes, he's bisexual. Yes, he has a boyfriend. NO, Rich isn't forcing him. He can take care of himself, despite what people and Michael seem to think.

Michael was absolutely livid and just so, so confused. Rich would kill to be able to see his face when he first found out that not only was his friend keeping secrets, but that he'd KEPT this relationship secret and not told even him. Jeremy had come to the conclusion that he didn't have to tell anyone anything if he didn't want to, and Michael would have to come to the conclusion that Jeremy doesn't owe him an explanation. He doesn't owe him anything.

So, things went to hell afterwards. But, Rich could be around Jeremy all he wanted now; people wouldn't dare to come close. They sat in class together, escaped the chaos of the lunchroom, and in terms of team projects, they were usually together. No one wanted to be with the arsonist, and no one wanted to be near the person crazy enough to be seen next to him.

Everything was okay, until the last week of school before summer. The rest of the popular kids cornered Jeremy and Rich, after finding them deep in the school library, hiding from view.

They'd been going over their project in literature, Rich doodling on the textbook page as Jeremy swatted his hand away. They were happy for that mere moment, before a tap on the shoulder caused Jeremy to freeze and slowly turn. The main 3 people of Middleborough Royalty were standing behind him, and if Rich had to guess, they wanted answers. 

"I just wanna know why." Jake had asked, arms crossed as he blankly looked down at his former friend and someone he thought was smart enough not to be anywhere near someone so mentally fucked up.

"Yeah, what Jake said." Chloe had snapped, appearing behind him. She'd popped her bubblegum, staring at Jeremy with eyes sharp enough to cut glass.

"Because he understands me more than anyone in this school. He knows what it's like to have mental issues, he knows what it's like to have something mentally degrading and abusing you until you see no other alternative than to give in." He had given his answer, squeezing Rich's hand lightly. "And because when I look at him, I look at someone who just needs somebody to care about the real him for the first time in years. You can say whatever you want about us, because I don't give a flying fuck." He smiled widely, and Rich had to stop himself from tearing up. Jeremy had grown from when they started dating. For the first time, he didn't care what people thought. He didn't care what people said. He loved HIM, he was willing to curse out the most popular student in school because he was growing into this person that Rich was helplessly in love with, and so, so proud of.

"And if you have a problem with us, I hope you're ready for the brutal realism of the real world as soon as we graduate. You won't have this little safety net, Chloe." His words sharpened, and the girl's expression had switched from shock to anger.

"What did you say to me?'

"I said that you better be prepared for the real world. People won't want to be near you if you're just as nasty, jealous, and basically just as bitchy as you are right now. And one more thing." He'd been shaking. Rich could remember the way that his leg was quivering, hitting the table lightly. "You should learn how to take no as an answer. I won't forget what happened at the Halloween party."

Brooke had flinched. Before Chloe could've opened her mouth, though, Jeremy was back on his rampage, burning all the bridges he had left.

"Brooke."

She'd turned to look at him, peeking out from behind her hair. Jeremy had sighed, hand reaching up to push his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

"I didn't want to cheat on you. I don't know if it can really be called that, because I was fighting to get away from Chloe the entire time. I can't remember much, but I think I at least shouted no once or twice. The squip forced me to stay on the bed as Chloe crawled on top of me." His voice had been so gentle, as Brooke sniffed and reached up to wipe away a tear.

"I want to believe you, Jeremy, but I don't think I can."

"That's okay. I just wanted to let you know that Chloe lied to me and said you were waiting for me upstairs, and then proceeded to try to have sex with me afterwards. I never wanted to hurt you and you deserve better than Chloe. I Hate to bring your newly-reformed friendship to the ground, but this is the last time I'll be talking to any of you, so why not end it with a blast?"

Rich had watched the conflicted gazes of the people he once called his friends. Chloe was angry, and stormed off. Her hands were shaking.

Jake had given a sigh, gaze switching between the two of them. "I just hope you two are happy."

"Thanks. And Jake? I'm truly sorry." Rich had spoken up for the first time, his lisp ruining the sentiment he was going for. It didn't matter, because Jake dropped his head into a curt nod, and turned to walk off. Brooke was the last one waiting, hands clasped in front of her.

"Thanks, Jeremy. You uh.. even if what we had wasn't really real, you made me realize I deserve better. I clearly haven't learned because I messed around with your friend, but believe me, that's over for good." She gave a smile, the slight mischievous spark in her eyes again.

"Rich."

He'd jolted, and turned to look up at her.

"I'm glad you're happy, and I'm sorry for helping to spread rumors. That wasn't a good thing for me to do, and I'm sorry. I'm just glad you've found someone to help keep you in check." She gave them both a warm smile, albeit a little sad, before heading out to leave. It was just the two of them again.

He'd tackled Jeremy into a hug as soon as Brooke's blond hair disappeared from view, surprising his boyfriend into silence.

"What was that for?" He'd eventually managed to push Rich back, pressing a tiny smooch to his forehead. His heart betrayed him, fluttering again as the feeling of happiness sparked. 

"I'm proud of you, that's all. You're so much stronger than you were and I'm just proud, that's all." He gave Jeremy a blinding smile, one that no one else got to see. Jeremy's expression softened into something disgusting called love, and he placed one of his hands on top of Rich's.

"I'm proud of you too. Sure, we were outed in the worst way. Half the school won't be around us. But that? That's okay. When we graduate, there's going to be nothing holding us back. I've thrown all my sand bags out of the hot air balloon. We're going to fly far away from here and never look back." His voice was soft, in the smooth tone that Rich knew was something only he got to hear.

"Easy there, pal. Might want to keep a few in there so we don't fly too far. Don't wanna be Icarus 2 and 3, right?' He placed his other hand in Jeremy's hair, ruffling it playfully as the other boy rolled his eyes and moved his hands to Rich's cheeks.

"Right. No launching ourselves into the sun for godly dick. Got it."

Rich started to laugh, sides starting to ache as Jeremy smiled mischievously.

"I wouldn't need to go to the sun, anyway. You're already the center of my universe."

He leaned forward, pressing a quick kiss to Rich's lips before sitting back and turning to the books again. "Back to the project. Who do we want to analyze?"

Rich only pushed the glasses up his nose, trying not to blush harder due to the unexpected act of affection.

"I don't know. We'll figure it out, like we do with everything else, right?" It's a simple movement. He places his hand on top of Jeremy's again, and the look the other boy gives him throws all negative thoughts out the window. Jeremy is looking at him like he's the only thing in this world that matters...and Rich is sure he's looking at him the exact same way.

"Right."

The end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And just like that, it’s the end :( this is my last major fic for bmc, as well as my first one I’ve finished in a while. Thank you for all the sweet comments and kudos, they made my day. Thank you all ❤️❤️


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